Paris: How to Kiss the Right Way

Where, if not in Paris, should I finally learn how to really kiss the right way?

Filled with great expectations and a small amount of apprehension I left for Paris two weeks ago to get detailed instructions on how to kiss well in the so called cite de l’amour.

After missing my flight and waiting for ages at Hamburg Airport, catching a new flight and taking a way too long ride from the airport in Paris, a ritual-like cleaning experience in the hotel bathtub and a short walk to the pier I found myself on a boat in the Seine. The river that divides Paris into top and bottom which the French interestingly translate into right (droite) and left (gauche).

I am not sure whether that is an expression of the egalité principle, but it could be: No one here is above anyone else, everyone is on the same level, next to one another. Does that go for kissing as well? It doesn’t matter. Overthinking things has never helped the cause.

On the boat, sexual philanthropist Dr. Ingelore Ebberfeld finally explained to how properly kiss.

Fogged up from Paris at night and a champagne I didn’t know everything sounded a bit dull all of a sudden, but at the same time became so brutally simple.

“Don’t kiss too loud, don’t push too much”, she says.

And: “The timing has to be right.”

I understand.

“You also have to be dressed well.”

As was the case a lot recently (too often actually) I was wearing my orange FILA pullover with two fresh red wine stains next to the logo. And green hair.

Finally we passed the Eiffel Tower that with its phallic shape pierced into the night sky. I got very hot. Then at some point the boat tour ended, somewhere. I went to get some drinks in a bar called Le Baron and start trying to process all these new found revelations and later observe different people at being well-dressed and waiting for the right moment, then kissing.

I, on the other hand miss the moment for the kiss – maybe it’s because of my pullover with the two red wine stains.

Stigmatized I make my way back to Germany the next day.

I will have to try this whole thing again in due time – the kissing in Paris.

P.S.: You also have to be shaved impeccably to kiss well. That’s what Dr. Ebbberfeld says at least – which doesn’t really come as a surprise. The whole trip was funded by Razor producer GILETTE after all and their new razor “Fusion Pro Glide Silvertouch” really works confusingly well. Not exactly what you expect when people make such a fuss to introduce a new product.

Image: Florian Böck

Von: Carl Jakob Haupt

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